from Moving Target, vol. #4, issue #3, Spring '95
by Super Gnat
THEY ARE invariably smelly, almost certainly grimy, hyperactive andhave definite suicidal tendencies.
During the late 90's and early 90's a cycle courier, with his snug lycragear, clearly bulging .. erm, muscles, and let's face it, wads of cash,was a very attractive package.
These days there are more of them about, and while this certainly makesfor a wider choice, it also means less dosh, more dross. So we gels (andguys, I understand that couriers have a certain appeal to both sexes) haveto be a bit more discerning - here, with the media hype savagely stripedaway is the Definitive Users' Guide to Cycle Couriers:
| Things a courier will hate | Things a courier does like |
| 1. His controller 2. His company 3. His clients 4. Pedestrians doing the funky chicken 5. Bicycles 6. Missing a meal | 1. Eating 2. Sleeping 3. Bicycles 4. A large cappuccino 5. Eating 6. Erm. That's it |
Things cycle couriers are likely to do:
1. Fall asleep.
2. Fill your house with inexplicable bits of metal and have a completefit if you should "tidy" any into the dustbin.
3. Eat VAST amounts of food, shifting daily the amount a rhinoceroswould be proud of in the time it takes most normal people to flush thetoilet.
4. Have several bicycles over which he will endlessly pour, tweakingthis, adjusting that, discussing with his cycle friends the relative valueof shimano - sealed - bottom - bracket - titanium - plated - adjustable- hubs as opposed to campeg - cantilever - sandblasted - matter - matt- effect - gear - shifters.*
5. Get absolutely plastered on a Friday nite, come home and make a sadattempt at shagging, despite being quite clearly incapable and then...6. Fall asleep.
7. Claim to loathe the company of other couriers because "all theydo is talk shop" (see 10.)
8. Have a light snack.
9. Come off the road sweaty, sticky, gritty and black-faced with spitso stringy you could knit a matching set of ear warmers with it, and want,nay, insist on shoving their tongue down your throat,
10. Invite loads of courier friends around and talk shop. (see 7.)
11. Spend all their wage packet on another bicycle or parts (see 4.)
12. Have a large snack.
13. Couriers in general make love in much the same way they work - inshort, fast , hard bursts (quite a few times over the day, it must be said)and then will have to stop and have a little something to munch on (see3, 8, and 12), or...
14. Fall asleep.
15. Say - "call yourself a messenger!!!"
* There is of course the exception to the rule which manifests asa screaming phobia of all things mechanical and inevitably you will endup changing his bottom bracket and applying lithium grease to the partsother couriers cannot reach.
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