by Be Smiley
C.U.N.T. , Vol.3 , Summer 1996
To be perfectly frank, I don't like most cyclists. I'd rather hang outwith respectable car drivers. Guys who know what they want and know howto get it - adult men, y’know what I mean? Guys like my Dad. What a greatguy ol' Dad was - always taking us kids for rides in his Buick. Dad neverliked cyclists either, said they belonged to the ’lunatic fringe'. Well,Dad, not all of us do! Some of us are respectable men like yourself, guyswith a firm hand shake who obey the law and proceed in an orderly, vehicularfashion.
Some cyclists want to change everything. They have silly ideas aboutmaking roads safer for cyclists by getting politicians and planners totake space way from cars. This proves that they belong on the lunatic fringe.They have to grow up and face the Fact that cars and air pollution arehere to stay. We aren't ever going to get respect from car drivers if cyclistskeep acting anti- car. What driver would respect someone who said he wascreating pollution? These issues are really very complex, a little difficultfor emotional people (like women) to understand. The best thing for cycliststo do is get educated about how to behave in a vehicular fashion. Thatway they will win respect from car drivers.
All cyclists need to get educated about John Forrester. He wrote a bookcalled Effective Cycling. John Forrester is a great, great guy. My Dadwould've liked John Forrester. They'd have been friends. If my Dad knewJohn Forrester he'd have invited him over to Dinner and they'd have playedsquash together. John Forrester knows that there is a right way and a wrongway to do things. He knows that certain cyclists, like me, know how tobehave and get respect. Other cyclists need to be educated and stop actingstupid and doing wrong things.
When I'm riding I try to set a good example for other cyclists. SometimesI see foreign cyclists and they don't know the right way to ride. Oftenwomen cyclists don't know how to ride because they're too scared. Thiskind of cyclist just needs to he educated by someone like me who knowsthe proper way to do things. Then drivers will stop hating cyclists andtreat us all with respect.
If I ruled the world I'd make all cyclists ride like me - that way noone would ever get hurt. I'm never going to get hurt. I ride in a predictablemanner that commands respect. As cars whizz by me I know chat each andevery driver is tipping his cap my way, "Now there's a fine cyclist,"they think to themselves, why, that fellow must have spent as much moneyon his shorts, fanny pack, whistle, helmet, cycling shoes, jersey, airhorn, handlebar pack as I spent on my car! And look at the fine vehicularway he rides. Such a respectable cyclist, not like those other scofflawsI see with long hair, dirty clothes, groceries, children and big butts."
When a car passes too close to me I know it is a sign of respect. Thedriver can tell that I'm a very experienced cyclist and I can handle it.One time I met a driver who was really great and treated me with lots ofrespect. He didn't see me, poor guy, and hit me from behind while I wasa making a left turn in a vehicular fashion. He was really embarrassedwhen he saw how expensive my bike was. He told me that I looked like areally serious cyclist, not like those other scofflaws he's seen ridingthrough stop signs and wearing old, dirty clothes. He was a great guy.He had a firm handshake like my Dad's. It was a pleasure to meet him, eventhough I did sustain a head injury.
I just have one more thing to say, stay off the sidewalks! I spent alot of money on my bike and my gear so people would take me seriously andtreat me with respect. If you cyclists acting stupid are making me lookbad.
- Mr. Macho-Blow-Hard-Safety-Nerd
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