Creative Ways to Rid The City Of Death Monsters

(or at least get them parked and out of your way)

by Stuart

Mercury Rising #8, August 1993

Okay so I've been a messenger now for 2 1/2 months. I knew of the dangers,being doored and all that but I hadn't any idea of the constant harassmentby lost death monster drivers, or worse yet lost tourist death mon drivers.

Where is Union Square? Can you tell me the way to that crookedest street?Here’s what ya do:

Tell them their front wheel is loose and that they better park and callfor help, Be really nice and point them in the direction of the nearestphone or service station.

Tell them the only way to get there is by bus (be nice and point themto nearest bus stop) or by foot because (choose one or a combo): 1) Onlybicycles and pedestrians are allowed in that area. 2) Only death monsterswith a special sticker are allowed in that area and they don't have thatspecial sticker. 3) Look down at your watch, give them a real disappointedlook and tell them that everyday, at (give them the time 20 minutes earlier)that area is closed to motorized traffic. Make up a holiday for the particularplace they want to go anti tell them today that holiday, sorry no motorizedvehicles allowed.

A more terrorist approach would be to: (cautiously approach the metalbeast and get a terrified look on your face) ask the driver if their metalbox runs on gasoline. Ask them if gasoline is flammable. Inform them thatthey had better shut off their engine cause you think their car is on fire.Leave.

If they ask you where a good place to visit is, give them Jordan’s workaddress, tell them the best way to get there is by foot via Turk, and thatFrank’s office is easy to find ‘cause it’s the only room that isn't beingheld up with sticks.

The whole idea of this exercise is to get them to park their death traps.I haven't thought of how to get their keys or where the car smasher wouldbe located that would convert their rental wheels-of-death into bicycles,but I'm working on it. I'm also working on a universal answer to all pollution-toting-open-doors-in-your-face-signal-right-when-turning-left-runnin-red-lights-while-leaning-on-the-horn-calling-you-a-road-hog-death-monster-drivers(other than $%#@%!)tell them to go to some dead-end street then hem emin with police caution tape. Hopefully city tow will do the rest.

Misc:

Seeing the words on my helmet the guard at 211 Main assumed I workedfor a messenger company called Special Ed, even though at the time I waswearing an Aero blue shirt. As far as I know I'm the only messenger ridingfor the mythic Special Ed.

If you have comments or suggestions, email me at messvilleto@yahoo.com